Who Am I?

Who am I?  Who is this person I've become?

This journey has been fraught with a multitude of twists and turns and ups and downs.  I've been forced to look deep within myself to find strength, patience, and grace.  In my darkness I realized that all of this comes from the Divine, and this relationship became stronger than ever. 

Situations arose that brought many negative and ugly aspects of  me to the surface [gosh I hope there aren't more!], and I've had to examine and deal with them.  And grow.  I'm learning to love myself in a way I never had before, even the less than perfect aspects of myself.  As a recovering perfectionist, I'm learning to embrace the imperfections -- the perfectly imperfect.  I'm learning to let go of the things [physical AND emotional] that are no longer needed.   I feel lighter, clearer and cleaner.

Relationships changed.  Some dear friends hurt me deeply.  People popped up in unexpected places and times to provide the support and guidance I needed.  Other relationships have deepened.  Those who are closest to me have watched this journey and provided so much support [you know who you are] -- you have no idea how thankful I am and how much I love you!

Who am I?  I'm a beautiful and cherished child of God in a constant state of becoming. 

Where am I going?  I'm not sure, but I know this is just the beginning of something special and wonderful!
 

The Story of the Incredible Breast

Once upon a time there was a breast, a right breast to be exact.  This particular breast was a very important, cherished part of a particular woman's body -- we'll call her Diane.  For years and years the breast was beautiful and healthy until.....

One day Diane discovered a lump in this breast.  After a multitude of tests and consultations, a bilateral mastectomy was performed.and tissue expanders were put in temporarily [to swap with implants at a later date]. 

A P.E.T. scan showed some cancer in the lymph nodes under the right arm even though 12 nodes had been removed during the surgery.   Rigorous treatment of chemotherapy and radiation therapy was performed.

And the right arm started growing.

Diane discovered an incredible lymphedema support group and started therapy with a lymphedema specialist.  And the right arm started to get back to normal.

Now, the right breast was growing, and it became very painful.  The skin around the original incision site was rough and almost black.  The bottom of the breast was extremely hot and painful to the touch.  Surgery was performed to remove lots and lots of fluid [1100 cc].

But, after the drain was removed 4 weeks later, the right breast started to grow again, and burst through the skin and started to squirt lymphatic fluid.

Another surgery was performed to remove the fluid; this time the expander was also removed.  The skin immediately started to look and feel better.

But, after the drain was removed 4 weeks later, the right breast started to grow again.

It's a seroma.  [Wikipedia has a nice explanation of a seroma [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Seroma].]

This is where the story pauses, but it's far from over. The incredible right breast is doing its best.  And the incredible left breast, still with a tissue expander in it, is holding its own beautifully.

One Year Anniversary

One year ago today I had a bilateral [double] mastectomy.  It's been quite a year.

It's been a year of going to a gazillion medical professionals:  general surgeon, plastic surgeon, lymphedema specialist, medical oncologist, radiation oncologist, otolaryngologist [ear, nose & throat], psychologist and general practitioner.  It's been a year of procedures: MRI's, CT scans, mammography, ultrasounds, and blood draws, to name a few.  And then there have been the surgeries: bilateral mastectomy including insertion of tissue expanders [with a 2-day stay in the hospital], insertion of chemo port, removal of chemo port, and drainage of fluid build-up in the breast.  And let's not forget the chemotherapy and the radiation therapy.

It's been a year of physical pain, sometimes more than I could ever have imagined, in different manifestations.

It's been a year of emotional pain, frustration, anger, depression...

It's been a year of learning and growing.

It's been a year of finding out who my true friends really are, and letting go those who aren't.

It's been a year of joy, of being thankful for being alive, and for all the amazing people [and my cat] that have enriched my life and kept me going.

And lastly, but most importantly, it's been a year of coming closer to my God.

The Things They Don't Tell You

Right now I'm being treated for some type of bronchitis/laryngitis --- a side effect of the radiation.  I've been fighting this for almost 6 weeks now.  I've been on 2 antibiotics, a fungicide and may have to go on another.*

Gee, my oncologists are soooooo adamant that the drugs they're pushing [chemo and radiation] are so safe.  My radiation oncologist even showed me a picture showing where the radiation went and where the voice box is, and assured me there was no way radiation was getting to the voice box.  I asked my ENT [ear, nose & throat] doctor if my oncologist is aware of this and he gave me a big "oh yeh." 

A woman in my lymphedema support group got Bell's Palsy as a side effect of radiation therapy...

The upside is that I've been assured this will not last forever and that I will sing once again.


*I'm avoiding yeast infections by taking acidophilus.
 




 

Cancer Free

So I've been through a bilateral mastectomy, chemotherapy, and radiation therapy -- not to mention all the side effects from these.  I will be taking a drug for the next 5 years to keep my body from producing estrogen.  I'll be dealing with the side effects of lymphedema for the rest of my life. 

The other day I asked my doctor if I am cancer free (right now), and he said yes. 

Why am I not jumping up and down for joy?

Well, for one thing, I'm still having problems with my voice and am feeling, well, icky.  But I think the main thing is that I'm just tired.  Am I still haven't gotten the breast implants yet.....

But, I'm cancer free, and that's a marvelous thing. 

Thank you, God!

 

Silence is Golden?

Four days ago I lost my voice.  Well, almost -- I can whisper.  It's been really strange.

I miss being able to talk to Tigger [my cat], so I'm overcompensating with the petting and scratching.  I got frustrated when a favorite song [Sister Golden Hair] came on the radio and I couldn't sing along with it. 

Conversations are interesting.  I feel like I'm yelling when I'm trying to talk to people.  It makes it hard for me to get my 2-cents-worth in a conversation.  And it's terribly exhausting.

So, mostly I just sit back and observe and listen.  Is this the lesson?
 
 

Lilacs for Mom

A few years ago Kathleen gave me a small lilac bush to plant in my little yard.  I was so excited because they are so beautiful and smell so amazing.  They were also my mother's favorite flower, and I was looking forward to one day being able to show her my lilac bush in bloom.

The bush didn't bloom for a couple of years, and in the meantime, mom passed away.  Since then, growth has been slow, but sure, and this year the bush looks really great.

So, mom, these are for you!  Happy Mother's Day -- I know you are in God's hands!

And a Happy Mother's Day to ALL the mothers out there!
  

Embarrassing Moment

OK, we all have embarrassing moments.  But I had an interesting one today.

We have some really windy days up here in Prescott [elevation 5368 feet].  But it didn't seem so bad, so I set out to Red Robin for my free birthday burger.  I decided to wear a wig [still have very little hair], and since I wasn't going anywhere else I didn't bother using tape to hold it down.

The burger was GREAT!  Red Robin sits up a little high and the wind was REALLY whipping around there.  As I walked out of the restaurant, my wig went flying!  Thankfully, I was able to get it quickly.

And, thankfully, no one saw it, but I still was embarrassed!
 

The Invasion

Last night when I came home late from my birthday karaoke party, I discovered that the strawberry plants I planted earlier this week had been munched on, as well as a kale.  All of them were out of their containers [I believe the aggressors were havelina -- they tend to be really messy].  So today I put everything back together.  They look pretty pitiful, but I'm hopeful they will survive.
   

This reminded me of my current situation.  In the past few months, I've been invaded by cancer, a bilateral mastectomy, chemotherapy, and now radiation therapy.  I've suffered several side effects from these, and I'm not exactly feeling up to par right now.  But I know I WILL survive.

No, I will THRIVE!

Spring

I love that it's finally Spring.  This has always been my favorite season, when everything comes alive -- including me!

I love working in the garden, even the dirty spring cleanup stuff.  I love feeling the breeze across my face and the sun on my skin.

I especially love planting flowers and getting my hands in the dirt. It's those times I really feel grounded and connected to Mother Earth. I love watching the new growth.

And I really love sitting back after it's done and enjoying the beauty God has created.

I love listening to the birds with their chirping and singing.  They like to gather early in the morning in the pyracantha bush outside my bedroom window -- it usually wakes me up, and I love even that.

I love sitting on my patio in the busy quiet stillness going on around me.  And just BEING a part of something so much bigger than I could ever imagine.
 

The Decision - Pt 3

Gee there are a lot of decisions to make through this process.

I've been putting off the decision about whether I should have radiation therapy, even though my doctor has been highly recommending it.  So I gathered information from several sources, and I finally decided to go ahead and do it.  It will start within the next 2 weeks.  The bottom line -- I'm at high risk, and I don't want to go through chemo again!  At least this process will be easier than the chemo.

There's a risk that the radiation could damage the tissue expanders I have in my breasts (part of the reconstructive process), but my plastic surgeon recommends that I don't put off medical treatment.   [Gotta respect a plastic surgeon who puts medical care first.]

Wonder if I'll glow in the dark?!!!

[PS.  Radiation therapy starts on Monday, April 11 -- every day for 8-9 weeks.]
  

  

I Wish...

I wish I could have just one day without pain, discomfort or other physical limitations.


And I wish that just one person gets something from this blog.

The Change in Direction

Finally, the last chemo treatment is over.  Thank God, I don't know how many more of them I could have taken.  In between treatments I would try to build up my strength, but before I could completely do that it was time for another treatment. It was like knocking someone down when they're already down, and it just seemed to get worse every time.  Now it's time for a new direction!

I've adopted a song to illustrate where I am in my life right now -- it's "Cool Change" by the Little River Band.  Here's a great video with dolphins dancing to the song: Cool Change

As the song says, "it's time for a cool, cool change."

The Last Waltz

Remember The Band?!  Martin Scorsese directed a documentary called The Last Waltz around their last performance in 1976 -- it's amazing if you've never seen it.  Well, it seems like it's been forever, but yesterday was my LAST chemo treatment -- I'm calling this my Last Waltz.  The song Stagefright has the following chorus:

      See the man with the stage fright,
      Just standin' up there to give it all his might.
      He got caught in the spotlight,
      But when we get to the end
      He wants to start all over again.

Well, it seems like it's been forever, but yesterday was my last chemo treatment!  I'm going to call this my Last Waltz.  By the way, the Last Waltz is not a bad thing, it's about change, and change is good.  Unlike the song, I don't want to start all over again.

I wrote the following during the treatment.

This morning in preparation to alleviate my stagefright [i.e. a panic attack] I drank some green tea, meditated, prayed, did some stress-reducing breathing exercises, and took some Xanax.  On my way driving in, I thanked the angels for clearing the roads of all the snow and ice from yesterday's brief storm [heard a "you're welcome"].  I thought "life is good,"  which seemed like a strange thought considering, but it was there anyway, and it was heartfelt. Another musical link:  She Talks to Angels

Yesterday I had labs drawn through the chemo port in the morning and saw the medical oncologist in the afternoon.  My labs were fine, as usual.  The port was left open overnight to save some time today.

To help diffuse the stagefright I have a magazine, a book, sudoku, lots of paper, and my cell phone [on vibrate].  Texting with friends helps to keep me in the moment.  [Thanks to Sandy, Bernadette, Robert and Jolita for the helpful distractions.]  It's all working.  The process is going quite well this time, and even a little bit quicker than usual.  I need to go back in a week for more blood work, then I probably will never see this place again.  The staff here at the IV Therapy Dept at Yavapai Regional Medical Center are really special -- I'm almost going to miss them.  They will be in my prayers!

Now I start the process of dealing with the after effects of the chemo.  I decided that since the process today went so well, there's no reason why the rest of this can't go exceptionally well, right? 

Do I hear an "amen"!?!
  

 

The Garden - The Cure For What Ails Me

Thank goodness for spring.  We had a few beautiful days last week, and I got started on my gardening.  First I planted a container lettuce garden with a mixed blend, and yesterday I started seeing little seedlings.  Hope it comes out looking like this picture.  Then, I planted some pansies, a couple of  blood grasses and a kale by the front door.  The color definitely livens things up, and I love it when the pansies smile at me whenever I come home.

I also started some spring cleanup in the gardening, such as pruning and clearing.  On Wednesday Sandy came over to help me clean out and organize the patio [thank you Sandy!].  So I got a really good start before the weather turned again.

Today started with rain/snow and turned into snow.  I moved my lettuce container onto the patio.  The others are under an overhang and out of the snow.  To be sure they aren't being adversely affected by the cold, I watered them all with very hot water (my dad used to swear by this tip -- in Michigan).

I'm looking forward to fairer weather and getting outside some more and digging my hands in the dirt, etc.  It's the cure for what ails me (except when I overdo it, but that's another story).

The Miracle [another one]

Ok, first I want to make it clear that there have been a LOT of miracles in my life, even in just the last few months.  But I thought this one was worth noting.

Saturday evening I noticed that the chemo port was sore and seemed a bit inflamed.  I was really concerned because I have just one more chemo session tomorrow (and a blood draw from the port today), and I certainly don't want to put it off.  These symptoms continued through Sunday afternoon, when I had a Reiki session with my dear friend Bernadette [Reiki Echoes, 928-237-1491], and before the session she asked for healing of this.  During the session I asked for a miracle, and I got one.  The port felt and looked normal afterwards.  This morning everything was still looking and feeling really great, but I called my surgeon's office, and they suggested I have the nurses look at it when I went for the blood draw.  So we did; they thought it looked and felt great, the blood was drawn without a hitch, and there's no reason why I can't get my FINAL chemo tomorrow. Yay!

God bless you, Bernadette, for the session.  And thank you God, for the miracle!

Reiki Echoes, 928-237-1491

The Decision - Pt 1

Back to the summer of 2010 when I got the diagnosis of invasive lobular carcinoma in the right breast.  It turns out this is a rare type of breast cancer, most women with breast cancer get it in the ducts, mine was in the lobules.  It was very fast growing, and each procedure/examination I had showed a different size.  My surgeon was trying to gently suggest that I consider mastectomy instead of lumpectomy.  I could tell by my own examinations that it was large, and it was growing.  So I knew a mastectomy was in order -- the question for me was should I have a bilateral mastectomy? The thought of having one breast removed was overwhelming, but BOTH of them?!?!?!

During this time I also consulted with a medical oncologist.  He could not be sure that chemo before the surgery would reduce the lump enough for a lumpectomy, but he was certain that chemo was necessary afterwards.

I had decided I didn't want to BECOME the disease, so I was on a 'need to know' basis.  But there was a lot I needed to know as I researched so I could make an informed decision.  Even my insurance company (Blue Cross) provided me with a lot of information, including the fact that the National Cancer Institute states that taking the other breast now would reduce the chance of cancer in that breast by 90%.
 
During this time I was also getting information from friends, and friends of friends, about all types of cancer preventions and cures.  It was too late for any of the preventative techniques.  And of course there were the financial limitations (i.e. a procedure performed by a physician in Europe, etc). 

And sometimes I just put everything aside to pray and meditate.  I wanted to be able to wade through all this information and make the best decision....
   

The Miracle

I asked God for a miracle today, and I got one -- I woke up.

And tens of thousands of miracles happened after that.
 

The Dream

I dreamed last night I was diagnosed with liver cancer -- it was very advanced, there was nothing anyone could do, and I had very little time left to live.

My first feelings were of anger for all the time and effort and AGONY I'd spent with breast cancer -- all the doctors' visits, tests and procedures, the surgery, chemo -- and then for this to happen.  And I was sad about the loss of time and quality of life during that time.

As my loved ones asked me what I wanted to do (before I die), I found myself desiring to enjoy the little things more.  The pungent aroma of the reddest rose. The warmth of the sun on my face. The caress of a light breeze.  Each and every moment, and all the spaces in between those moments, became precious to me.  My senses were alive like never before.

Intimate relations with my lover became more heightened with each touch.  We even (at my insistence) brought another woman into the relationship -- someone he could appreciate for her sexuality and someone I could love for her inner beauty.  [I was looking for my replacement.]

I also had a desire to serve, so serve I did.  I prepared pizzas and pizzas and pizzas and served them to patients in a cancer ward.

[and I woke up with a really big craving for (you know it) pizza...]
   

The Buzz Cut

I got a buzz cut on 12/28/10 -- just a few days after my hair started falling out (15 days after first chemo).  I heard it would be easier this way.  It was, I guess.  At least it's a lot less hair going down the drain.... But it sure does make me look so much older.  I'm 56 and used to look much younger....

So here's the deal, I was diagnosed with breast cancer last summer, just after my father passed with lung cancer.  I wasn't surprised.  Something in me always knew I'd get breast cancer.  Or maybe my fear attracted it.  I don't know.  It just happened, and I knew it was supposed to happen.

My first thought was why does this have to happen at a time when I'm alone.  No husband or boyfriend, you know, to comfort me and take some of the burden off of me.  No, I had to do this all by myself.  Friends, yes, really good friends, but not that "special someone."  I knew that my biggest lesson through all of this was going to be to "let go and let God."

and there would be so many more.....