The Decision - Pt 3

Gee there are a lot of decisions to make through this process.

I've been putting off the decision about whether I should have radiation therapy, even though my doctor has been highly recommending it.  So I gathered information from several sources, and I finally decided to go ahead and do it.  It will start within the next 2 weeks.  The bottom line -- I'm at high risk, and I don't want to go through chemo again!  At least this process will be easier than the chemo.

There's a risk that the radiation could damage the tissue expanders I have in my breasts (part of the reconstructive process), but my plastic surgeon recommends that I don't put off medical treatment.   [Gotta respect a plastic surgeon who puts medical care first.]

Wonder if I'll glow in the dark?!!!

[PS.  Radiation therapy starts on Monday, April 11 -- every day for 8-9 weeks.]
  

  

I Wish...

I wish I could have just one day without pain, discomfort or other physical limitations.


And I wish that just one person gets something from this blog.

The Change in Direction

Finally, the last chemo treatment is over.  Thank God, I don't know how many more of them I could have taken.  In between treatments I would try to build up my strength, but before I could completely do that it was time for another treatment. It was like knocking someone down when they're already down, and it just seemed to get worse every time.  Now it's time for a new direction!

I've adopted a song to illustrate where I am in my life right now -- it's "Cool Change" by the Little River Band.  Here's a great video with dolphins dancing to the song: Cool Change

As the song says, "it's time for a cool, cool change."

The Last Waltz

Remember The Band?!  Martin Scorsese directed a documentary called The Last Waltz around their last performance in 1976 -- it's amazing if you've never seen it.  Well, it seems like it's been forever, but yesterday was my LAST chemo treatment -- I'm calling this my Last Waltz.  The song Stagefright has the following chorus:

      See the man with the stage fright,
      Just standin' up there to give it all his might.
      He got caught in the spotlight,
      But when we get to the end
      He wants to start all over again.

Well, it seems like it's been forever, but yesterday was my last chemo treatment!  I'm going to call this my Last Waltz.  By the way, the Last Waltz is not a bad thing, it's about change, and change is good.  Unlike the song, I don't want to start all over again.

I wrote the following during the treatment.

This morning in preparation to alleviate my stagefright [i.e. a panic attack] I drank some green tea, meditated, prayed, did some stress-reducing breathing exercises, and took some Xanax.  On my way driving in, I thanked the angels for clearing the roads of all the snow and ice from yesterday's brief storm [heard a "you're welcome"].  I thought "life is good,"  which seemed like a strange thought considering, but it was there anyway, and it was heartfelt. Another musical link:  She Talks to Angels

Yesterday I had labs drawn through the chemo port in the morning and saw the medical oncologist in the afternoon.  My labs were fine, as usual.  The port was left open overnight to save some time today.

To help diffuse the stagefright I have a magazine, a book, sudoku, lots of paper, and my cell phone [on vibrate].  Texting with friends helps to keep me in the moment.  [Thanks to Sandy, Bernadette, Robert and Jolita for the helpful distractions.]  It's all working.  The process is going quite well this time, and even a little bit quicker than usual.  I need to go back in a week for more blood work, then I probably will never see this place again.  The staff here at the IV Therapy Dept at Yavapai Regional Medical Center are really special -- I'm almost going to miss them.  They will be in my prayers!

Now I start the process of dealing with the after effects of the chemo.  I decided that since the process today went so well, there's no reason why the rest of this can't go exceptionally well, right? 

Do I hear an "amen"!?!
  

 

The Garden - The Cure For What Ails Me

Thank goodness for spring.  We had a few beautiful days last week, and I got started on my gardening.  First I planted a container lettuce garden with a mixed blend, and yesterday I started seeing little seedlings.  Hope it comes out looking like this picture.  Then, I planted some pansies, a couple of  blood grasses and a kale by the front door.  The color definitely livens things up, and I love it when the pansies smile at me whenever I come home.

I also started some spring cleanup in the gardening, such as pruning and clearing.  On Wednesday Sandy came over to help me clean out and organize the patio [thank you Sandy!].  So I got a really good start before the weather turned again.

Today started with rain/snow and turned into snow.  I moved my lettuce container onto the patio.  The others are under an overhang and out of the snow.  To be sure they aren't being adversely affected by the cold, I watered them all with very hot water (my dad used to swear by this tip -- in Michigan).

I'm looking forward to fairer weather and getting outside some more and digging my hands in the dirt, etc.  It's the cure for what ails me (except when I overdo it, but that's another story).

The Miracle [another one]

Ok, first I want to make it clear that there have been a LOT of miracles in my life, even in just the last few months.  But I thought this one was worth noting.

Saturday evening I noticed that the chemo port was sore and seemed a bit inflamed.  I was really concerned because I have just one more chemo session tomorrow (and a blood draw from the port today), and I certainly don't want to put it off.  These symptoms continued through Sunday afternoon, when I had a Reiki session with my dear friend Bernadette [Reiki Echoes, 928-237-1491], and before the session she asked for healing of this.  During the session I asked for a miracle, and I got one.  The port felt and looked normal afterwards.  This morning everything was still looking and feeling really great, but I called my surgeon's office, and they suggested I have the nurses look at it when I went for the blood draw.  So we did; they thought it looked and felt great, the blood was drawn without a hitch, and there's no reason why I can't get my FINAL chemo tomorrow. Yay!

God bless you, Bernadette, for the session.  And thank you God, for the miracle!

Reiki Echoes, 928-237-1491

The Decision - Pt 1

Back to the summer of 2010 when I got the diagnosis of invasive lobular carcinoma in the right breast.  It turns out this is a rare type of breast cancer, most women with breast cancer get it in the ducts, mine was in the lobules.  It was very fast growing, and each procedure/examination I had showed a different size.  My surgeon was trying to gently suggest that I consider mastectomy instead of lumpectomy.  I could tell by my own examinations that it was large, and it was growing.  So I knew a mastectomy was in order -- the question for me was should I have a bilateral mastectomy? The thought of having one breast removed was overwhelming, but BOTH of them?!?!?!

During this time I also consulted with a medical oncologist.  He could not be sure that chemo before the surgery would reduce the lump enough for a lumpectomy, but he was certain that chemo was necessary afterwards.

I had decided I didn't want to BECOME the disease, so I was on a 'need to know' basis.  But there was a lot I needed to know as I researched so I could make an informed decision.  Even my insurance company (Blue Cross) provided me with a lot of information, including the fact that the National Cancer Institute states that taking the other breast now would reduce the chance of cancer in that breast by 90%.
 
During this time I was also getting information from friends, and friends of friends, about all types of cancer preventions and cures.  It was too late for any of the preventative techniques.  And of course there were the financial limitations (i.e. a procedure performed by a physician in Europe, etc). 

And sometimes I just put everything aside to pray and meditate.  I wanted to be able to wade through all this information and make the best decision....
   

The Miracle

I asked God for a miracle today, and I got one -- I woke up.

And tens of thousands of miracles happened after that.
 

The Dream

I dreamed last night I was diagnosed with liver cancer -- it was very advanced, there was nothing anyone could do, and I had very little time left to live.

My first feelings were of anger for all the time and effort and AGONY I'd spent with breast cancer -- all the doctors' visits, tests and procedures, the surgery, chemo -- and then for this to happen.  And I was sad about the loss of time and quality of life during that time.

As my loved ones asked me what I wanted to do (before I die), I found myself desiring to enjoy the little things more.  The pungent aroma of the reddest rose. The warmth of the sun on my face. The caress of a light breeze.  Each and every moment, and all the spaces in between those moments, became precious to me.  My senses were alive like never before.

Intimate relations with my lover became more heightened with each touch.  We even (at my insistence) brought another woman into the relationship -- someone he could appreciate for her sexuality and someone I could love for her inner beauty.  [I was looking for my replacement.]

I also had a desire to serve, so serve I did.  I prepared pizzas and pizzas and pizzas and served them to patients in a cancer ward.

[and I woke up with a really big craving for (you know it) pizza...]
   

The Buzz Cut

I got a buzz cut on 12/28/10 -- just a few days after my hair started falling out (15 days after first chemo).  I heard it would be easier this way.  It was, I guess.  At least it's a lot less hair going down the drain.... But it sure does make me look so much older.  I'm 56 and used to look much younger....

So here's the deal, I was diagnosed with breast cancer last summer, just after my father passed with lung cancer.  I wasn't surprised.  Something in me always knew I'd get breast cancer.  Or maybe my fear attracted it.  I don't know.  It just happened, and I knew it was supposed to happen.

My first thought was why does this have to happen at a time when I'm alone.  No husband or boyfriend, you know, to comfort me and take some of the burden off of me.  No, I had to do this all by myself.  Friends, yes, really good friends, but not that "special someone."  I knew that my biggest lesson through all of this was going to be to "let go and let God."

and there would be so many more.....